


Something Funny Happened On The Way To The White House

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-10-07
Updated: 2000-10-07
Packaged: 2019-05-15 19:04:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14796212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Just a really strange day in the West Wing.





	1. Something Funny Happened On The Way To The White House

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

TITLE: Something Funny Happened On The Way To The White House  
RATING: PG (the sh-- word)  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them. Just borrowing. Aaron Sorkin is God.  
NOTES: This is my attempt at a lighthearted, *funny* fic, something I haven't  
really tried to focus on before. :) I've done my bits, but here goes for the  
long shot. :) This is another segment of the "Kids Rule" Universe, just  
because of a few trace elements. It should also be noted that like Aaron  
Sorkin, but unrelated to my worship of him, I love to write dialogue, so  
there's a lot of that in here. :) Enjoy.  
SUMMARY: Just a really strange day in the West Wing.

There are many givens about the universe. One, the human condition is a  
mystery that will never be solved. Two, trying to understand the human  
condition is asking to spend hours alone locked up in your home or office  
until you finally either give up or go crazy. Three, closing an automatic  
window on your fingers always, always, always hurts. A lot.  
On that note, when Toby Ziegler walked into the West Wing with three  
fingers bandaged together, everyone decided that it was not a good time to  
ask him a question. It didn't matter what the question was. No one was going  
to ask it. He looked grumpier than usual, if that was possible, and the  
bandage wasn't entirely a good sign. Of course, not everyone picked up on the  
signs.  
"Toby, what happened?" Sam cried in shock.  
"Sam, shut up." Toby barked and disappeared into his office. Sam paused  
and then looked at the other people in the office. He then turned to go into  
his own office and instead tripped over a chair leg.  
"Nice move, Sam." Kathy's voice exclaimed. He looked up at her.  
"Today's not looking very good, is it?" He muttered.  
"No." She said with a smile. "Mallory's standing behind you."  
"It's looking even worse now." He murmured and got to his feet. He spun  
with a smile on his face. "Mal! What a surprise."  
"Very graceful, Sam." Mal deadpanned. He shrugged.  
"I try to keep gravity in check." He explained. She nodded in disbelief  
and then pushed him into his office.

Another thing to remember, now that one thinks about it, is that when one  
spills hot coffee in their lap, that hurts a lot too. One should be more  
careful that way. Of course, the loud yelping coming from Josh's office told  
Donna that he had not been that careful.  
"OH SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!" Josh yelped. Donna opened the door to  
see him prancing around his office with a large brown stain in the lap of his  
pants.  
"Very graceful." She said with a grin.  
"Donna! This hurts!" He snapped. She nodded.  
"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. You have some other pants?"  
"No, these *are* my other pants." Josh exclaimed. Donna sighed.  
"Okay, I think I might have something." She said and went back to her  
desk. At least she knew somewhere where she could get the pants cleaned and  
then she could get these back. Jack would hate to have secondhand pants, but  
it was for a good cause. Besides, Donna just wanted to see if Josh would do  
it. She brought the present she'd gotten for her cousin into Josh's office  
and presented them to him. "Here you go."  
"Donna! I'm not gonna wear those! What the heck are you doing with  
those?" Josh asked in shock.  
"I got them for my cousin Jack's birthday. They're better than nothing,  
Josh." Donna insisted.  
"I am *not* wearing those!" Josh cried.  
"Josh, do you want to wear your coffee-stained pants all day or these?  
Cause that's your choice. Of course you could always go in just your boxers."  
Donna suggested with a straight face. He growled and snatched the pants from  
her hand. She smiled and left the office, closing the door behind her.

"Toby, can I talk to you?" CJ asked as she leaned into the communications  
director's office.  
"I have a new motto." Toby exclaimed. She paused.  
"What's that?" She asked after a long pause.  
"'I can only help one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow  
doesn't look good either.' Get out." Toby said as he looked at his desk which  
was cluttered with what seemed to be ten tons of paperwork.  
"We have a press gidget today--"  
"Gidget?" Toby interrupted.  
"I didn't want to say 'thing'. 'Thing' sounds so boring." CJ replied.  
"Gidget?"  
"Fine. We have a press *event* today. How's that?"  
"I know."  
"Then why did you--"  
"Gidget!" Toby exclaimed.  
"Listen, the President is talking to--"  
"He's talking to a bunch of High School Student Council kids. Little  
'young adults' who want to take on the world. We've briefed, prepped and  
downright prepared the heck out of it. What do you need me for?" Toby  
exclaimed.  
"The President wants you to be there." There was a pause.  
"WHY????" Came the angry response.  
"Because he's the President and he loves to torture you. He wants you in  
the Oval fifteen minutes before the event starts, which means you've got to  
be there at 1:45. Have fun." CJ bade him.  
"You're not gonna be there?" Toby asked.  
"I'm gonna be managing the press, which means I get to watch." CJ said  
with a grin before moving away. Toby mimicked her and then looked back at the  
ever-growing pile. In fact, he was quite sure it had grown during their  
conversation. He cursed.  
"Ginger!!" He called. Who the heck did Bartlet think he was?

"Who the heck do you think you are?" Jed Bartlet snapped.  
"I'm your wife!" Abbey retorted. Jed paused at this, thinking deeply.  
"Jed!" She cried with an incredulous grin on her face. He was being so  
childish. But God it was fun watching him.  
"Are you sure?" Jed asked. Abbey rolled her eyes.  
"No, I'm not sure. I'm completely unsure. In fact, I'm so unsure, I think  
I'll just go back to New Hamp-" Her comment was interrupted by the gentle  
pressure of her husband's lips. She pulled away from him. "Jed, don't think  
you can just kiss your--" His lips interrupted her again, this time a little  
more forcefully. She slipped her arms around his neck and kissed back gently.  
When he let go of her lips to kiss her neck, she continued. "--Way out of  
this because I'm not going--" Jed sighed and pressed his lips to hers again.  
"Mr. Pres- oh, sorry, sir." Josh's voice exclaimed. Jed moved away from  
his wife.  
"What is it, Josh?" He asked pointedly as he turned.  
"I'm sorry, sir. I just--"  
"Josh, what are you wearing???" Abbey exclaimed. Josh paused.  
"My apologies, ma'am." He started.  
"Josh, what are you wearing?" Jed asked, trying to keep a straight face.  
Josh sighed and looked at his feet.  
"I accidentally spilled coffee on my lap, and I need to change my pants,  
and the only thing around that fit was this present that Donna got for her  
cousin's birthday." Josh trailed off.  
"Donna bought red leather pants for her cousin?" Jed asked, finally  
cracking a smile. Josh peered up at the president with one eye.  
"Um, yes, sir." He said weakly. Abbey couldn't take it anymore. She  
walked out of the Oval office, closed the door and began to crack up. Josh  
sighed and tried to relax. There was no point in tensing anymore.  
"Josh, I think that it's a very nice look." Jed said, trying desperately  
not to do the same thing his wife had done. Josh rolled his eyes. "In fact, I  
think you should show it off. Why don't you come with me and Toby--"  
"No, sir. No way. My pants will be done at four o'clock. I'm going to be  
in no place other than my office--" Josh started to insist.  
"Josh, lighten up." Jed ordered. Josh sighed.  
"Yes, sir."  
"Now look at the big seal on my floor." Josh groaned and looked. "Now  
look back up at me." Josh complied. "Say, Josh, why don't you come with me  
and Toby to the High school thing?"  
"With all due respect--" Josh started.  
"Josh. Seal."  
"I'd be honored, sir." Josh grumbled.

TBC... .

  

  


	2. Something Funny Happened On The Way To The White House 2

TITLE: Something Funny Happened On The Way To The White House  
RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them. Just borrowing. Aaron Sorkin is God.  
NOTES: See Part 1  
SUMMARY: Just a really strange day in the West Wing.

"Josh."  
"Yes, Sam?"  
"I need -- Josh, what are you wearing?"  
"Shut up, Sam."  
"Right. Anyway, I need to know when you want to see Cartwell."  
"I don't want to see Cartwell."  
"But you have to see Cartwell."  
"The last time I saw Cartwell, she called me an idiot and had the waiter  
throw me out." Josh exclaimed as he finally looked at his colleague. Sam  
shrugged and moved to sit in one of Josh's chairs.  
"But you have to talk to her about--" Sam started.  
"I'm not seeing Cartwell." Josh insisted.  
"Josh, you're the best we've got on 218, and Cartwell likes you. She just  
didn't like you that particular day." Sam exclaimed.  
"I'll say." Josh muttered. "You know, send Toby to talk to her."  
"She hates Toby and Toby hates her."  
"Better she mistreat him than me."  
"But then he comes back here and mistreats us."  
"Good point."  
"So when do I schedule you with Cartwell?"  
"Why don't you talk to Cartwell?"  
"Because Mallory just told me that if I ever even look at 'that woman'  
again, she'd truly hurt me where I don't like to be hurt, and I really don't  
think she's kidding." Sam admitted with a shudder.  
"Mal doesn't like Cartwell?" Josh asked with a frown.  
"Apparently Cartwell is a fascist bookburner." Sam said. "I'm just as  
surprised as you are. I never really thought of her as the pyromaniac type."  
"This is all very comforting, Sam. What about Leo?"  
"Mallory can hurt him just as well as she can hurt me."  
"But she won't. That's the difference."  
"Leo is busy with Black and Carter."  
"Well, the President has me doing this thing with him and Toby at 2."  
Josh admitted. Sam chuckled.  
"Wearing those?" He said with a grin.  
"Sam."  
"Yeah?"  
"Get the hell out of my office."  
"Right."

"Sir, may I just start off by saying... Josh, what are you wearing?"  
Toby asked in shock.  
"Do I really have to through this again?" Josh whimpered.  
"He spilled coffee on his lap. Now he has to help us entertain the high  
school students." Jed summarized. Toby nodded.  
"As I was saying, I really don't know why I'm here. I would be of much  
more use if I stayed in my office and worked on the address for the Forbes  
organization next week." He started again.  
"You're doing this, Toby. You're doing it with me and Josh, in about  
eight minutes." Jed said warningly. Toby cursed and looked away. Josh  
grinned, glad he wasn't the only one being tortured like this.  
"Sir, the students are here early." Mrs. Landingham announced as she  
leaned into the room.  
"We're on our way, Mrs. Landingham." Jed said as he grabbed the shoulders  
of his two senior staffers and pulled them along with him.  
"Josh, what are you wearing, dear?" Mrs. Landingham asked.  
"I'm going for a new look." Josh deadpanned, sick of answering that  
question. Donna was going to pay for this.

"Sam!" Leo exclaimed.  
"I know!" Sam replied.  
"What the hell did you do?"  
"I'm sorry!"  
"You're sorry? This isn't kindergarten, Sam! Sorry doesn't cut it."  
"Leo, I'll fix it."  
"You better. It's not my job to clean up after you, nor is it anyone  
else's. It's yours." Leo growled.  
"I know! I'm gonna fix it. I swear." Sam assured his boss.  
"You better." Leo retorted and stormed back to his office. When he  
reached it, he paused by Margaret's desk. "What did Sam do?" He asked.  
"He accidentally confirmed for carnations to be at the reception tomorrow  
and Cartwell is allergic." Margaret replied. Leo nodded and went into his  
office.  
"Right." He muttered and sat at his desk.

"Hello, everyone. How are we today?" Jed Bartlet exclaimed as he entered  
the large room with his two staffers behind him. The group of twenty-odd  
teenagers broke into giggles as Josh swaggered in wearing nice, shiny,  
glittery, red leather pants. Toby couldn't help but be slightly amused as  
well.  
"At least you picked a blue tie." He whispered to his colleague. "Red,  
white and blue, Josh." He added.  
"Drop dead, Toby." Josh replied with a smile and clenched teeth.  
"So what we're going to do today is have a little question and answer  
session. It should be fun, right?" Jed asked, resisting the urge to kick both  
his staffers. "Then when that's done, we're going to go into the dining room  
for snacks and such, and you can just hang out and talk, and my staffers here  
will be available for you guys to talk to." He added. Josh and Toby both  
froze. This wasn't part of the deal.  
"I really hate you sometimes, sir." Josh muttered.  
"Agreed." Toby added softly.  
"Is that a deal, guys?" Jed asked. The kids shrugged.  
"We know the drill, Mr. President." One voice exclaimed. "They've taken  
us through it about half a dozen times. We're not six-years-old like your  
Christmas crowd." The voice continued. The three White House workers looked  
in surprise at the end of the table.  
"Dylan, be quiet." A teacher hushed.  
"No, it's quite all right." Jed replied, a bit intrigued. "Anything else?"  
"Just asking you to keep in mind that most of us are less than six months  
away from voting age." The teenager replied with a grin. Jed rolled on the  
balls of his feet and smirked.  
"I'll keep that in mind." He replied. "Let's get started, shall we?"

"Senator Cartwell, I understand that you've... Yes, okay... Yes, I  
understand. No, I didn't forg... Yeah... Okay, I got that. Yes... If  
you'll just let me... I'll talk to... No, he's not... Can I just . .  
. Good-bye, ma'am." Sam finished and listened as the line went dead. "Just  
great." He muttered as he hung up the phone and muttered softly to himself.  
Was there any more spiteful person than that witch? He was honestly beginning  
to believe that there wasn't.  
"Sam." Leo's voice exclaimed.  
"What'd I do now?" Sam asked.  
"I don't know. What did you do?" Leo asked.  
"I don't know." Sam replied.  
"Neither do I."  
"Then why are you here?"  
"To find out when you're gonna talk to Cartwell."  
"I just got off the phone with her. She wants me to meet her at the hotel  
where she's giving a seminar tonight."  
"Okay. Don't tell Mal you're seeing her."  
"Are you kidding? I'm not suicidal."  
"Good boy."

TBC... .

  


	3. Something Funny Happened On The Way To The White House 3

TITLE: Something Funny Happened On The Way To The White House  
RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them. Just borrowing. Aaron Sorkin is God.  
NOTES: See Part 1  
SUMMARY: Just a really strange day in the West Wing.

"I'm just saying, you guys are wimps on education." Dylan exclaimed. Toby  
rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to smack the kid.  
"We're not wimps. We just haven't gotten to it yet." He growled.  
"Oh, come on. You've been in office nearly 18 months and you 'haven't  
gotten to it yet'? That's a pitiful thing to say to a student." She retorted.  
"I mean, the only thing you've really accomplished is getting Mendoza on to  
the bench."  
"See now, he's a strong education guy." Toby pointed out.  
"Oh, please. He's a judge. He's not going to pass any laws that raise  
teacher's salaries or funding for schools. Now you guys passed that really  
cool thing ages ago, so I'll cut you some slack." She replied.  
"You got way too much lip for a kid." He grunted.  
"Just because I'm 17 years old, doesn't mean I don't know anything."  
Dylan replied with a smirk. "At least, I'm smart enough not to close a car  
window on my fingers." She added in a mutter.  
"I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that." Toby exclaimed.  
"Admit it, I'm making some sense, aren't I?" She added. Toby shrugged.  
"I choose to plead the fifth at this instance." He replied dryly as his  
eyes darted across the room. He spotted Josh talked to the teacher of the  
classroom quite artfully. The woman laughed while Josh looked nervously at  
his feet. Always the charmer, that Josh, even in leather pants. Perhaps,  
*especially* in leather pants. Oh, there was a thought Toby did not want to  
deal with.

"No, seriously. I'm not kidding." Josh insisted with a grin. Miss Betty  
Miralson laughed again and patted him on the shoulder, trying not to focus on  
the tight red pants her conversation partner was wearing.  
"Well, it sounds like you're all the better for it, though I would think  
as a politician you would have learned a little bit more self control by now,  
no?" She asked playfully, scooting about an inch closer to her. Josh grinned  
and shrugged as he leaned against the wall.  
"Well, I've always had something of a problem with self control." He  
admitted coyly. Betty blushed slightly and bit her lip in that way that Josh  
had noticed women tended to do when they liked what he was saying. He smiled  
a little bit wider and opened his mouth to say something when someone  
interrupted; someone who sounded considerably more annoyed than Betty had.  
"Josh, the President needs you." Donna said sharply. Josh looked at her  
and raised an eyebrow. She seemed to be eyeing Betty suspiciously, almost . .  
. No, he wasn't even going to go there.  
"No, he doesn't. He's talking to that kid." Josh said, pointing. Donna  
didn't look.  
"Josh, he said I had to come get you. Are you going to defy the wishes of  
the President of the United States?" She asked pointedly.  
"It's all right, Mr. Lyman." Betty said softly. "We can talk some more  
some other time." She added.  
"Of course. I'll talk to you soon." Josh promised with a dazzling grin  
before following Donna, careful to strut a little in case Betty wanted a nice  
view of the pants. "I gotta say, Donna, these pants are a blessing. I can get  
used to them."  
"Oh, please." Donna muttered.  
"So what does the president need me for?" Josh asked. Donna paused.  
"He doesn't need you. I made it up." She replied.  
"I figured. Why?" Josh replied. She looked at him, a little surprised.  
"You figured?" She repeated.  
"Yeah." He said with a coy grin. "But I didn't figure out why. Why did  
you make that up, Donna? I was having a good time."  
"She's not a good person to have fun with. I can just tell." Donna  
replied.  
"What, did you check out her FBI file? Come on, Donna, she's a teacher.  
We were having a nice conversation." Josh said with a small pout.  
"I didn't hae to check out her FBI file. I have a sense about these  
things, Josh. I just know you shouldn't waste your time with her. Besides,  
it's inappropriate to flirt with women at an official white house event with  
the press watching." Donna retorted matter-of-factly.  
"I wasn't flirting." Josh protested.  
"You were flirting, Josh." Donna retorted darkly.  
"You're just jealous."  
"What?"  
"You are!"  
"I am not!"  
"Why are you jealous, Donna?"  
"I'm not jealous, Josh."  
"Yes, you are, Donna."  
"Grow up."  
"Where's the fun in that?"

"Senator Cartwell, thank you for seeing me on such notice." Sam said as  
he got to his feet and offered his hand. The tall, slender, middle-aged  
senator smiled sweetly and shook his hand gracefully.  
"Of course, Sam. I always have time for you. I mean, Mr. Lyman is just a  
waste of political energy, but you, you're always a reasonable person to talk  
to." She said sweetly. Sam blushed a little and offered her a seat. She sat  
down and watched him carefully as he took his seat.  
"Well, I'm flattered. Senator Cartwell, I was just wondering if we could  
talk about--" Sam started.  
"Oh, don't worry about it, Sam. I'm sure the EPA protection bill will  
pass on its own merits." Cartwell interrupted.  
"We just wanted to be sure that if you had any questions, they could be  
reasonably answered, senator." Sam said a little uncertainly.  
"No, I'm quite satisfied with my position." She replied, and please, call  
me Angie." She said with a smile and a wink. Sam blushed a little bit and  
looked at his hands for a moment before looking at her again.  
"Um, and what might that position be?" He asked weakly. Cartwell paused.  
"Sam, I'd love to sit and talk to you about this, but I really am running  
out of time. What say we have dinner tonight at a time when I can discuss  
this more thoroughly?"  
"Uh, I appreciate that, senator, but--"  
"Great. Meet me at the Lobster at seven. We'll talk about this then."  
Cartwell said as she got to her feet. "Remember, call me Angie. Bye now." She  
called as she hurried off and out the door. Sam paused and looked at the  
bartender.  
"I'm in trouble. Yep. Big, big trouble." He said. The bartender stared at  
him blankly. "Right. Aren't bartenders supposed to be the helpful ear?" Sam  
asked. The bartender stared at him blankly. "Fine. Can I have my check?" He  
asked. The bartender moved faster than lightening.

"Did you know that in some parts of South Africa--" Jed started  
"Probably." Dylan's voice interrupted.  
"You should learn not to interrupt people." He warned.  
"You should learn not to bore the snot out of people." She retorted.  
"Don't you know any manners?"  
"Probably at one point in my life, I did."  
"What happened?"  
"I became a teenager."  
"Isn't that right?"  
"And my parents died." She added before sipping her punch and looking out  
at her friends. Jed paused. She shrugged and glanced at him. "Since then, I  
really haven't cared what people think of me, and that includes even you, Mr.  
President." She added. "I haven't needed to care."  
"I'm sorry." He said suddenly.  
"Hell, you didn't kill them. A plane did. Or a storm that hit the plane  
or something, I don't know."  
"I'm still sorry."  
"Well, don't be. It's not going to do you, me or them any good."  
"You're very antisocial, you know that?"  
"Yeah, I do."  
"Then why are you here?"  
"Because Miralson forced me."  
"Why?"  
"You know for someone who's thirty years older, you sure sound like a lot  
of my classmates. Why why why why why? I don't know; because she did, okay?"  
"Hey, now, I'm gonna have to draw the l--" Jed started, getting a little  
ticked but not knowing just how far off he was from her worst side.  
"Listen to me, you may think you're better than me cause you're so much  
older and because you're the President of the United States. Well, you know  
what? Respect is earned, not given away. I didn't vote for you; I probably  
would have if I could have, but I didn't. You're not officially *my*  
representative so don't expect me to treat you like the king or something,  
okay? I ain't impressed by approval ratings or trivia games. I don't wanna be  
here any more than you want me here. Just leave me alone, okay?" Dylan  
interrupted and stormed off for the doors. Jed stood there dumbly and then  
looked at Toby Ziegler who had moved to his side.  
"What the heck just happened?" He asked. Toby shrugged.  
"You just met the wrath of Dylan. I don't know what's up with that kid,  
and I've long since passed the point of caring. Punch?" He asked as he began  
to scoop himself another glass. Jed stared at him blankly.  
"This country..." He started.  
"Yes, sir?" Toby asked.  
"Is going to the hell in a handcart." Jed muttered.  
"Yes, sir." Toby agreed.

"Margaret."  
"Yes, Leo?"  
"What's this?"  
"It's a report."  
"On what?"  
"I can't see."  
"Here."  
"It's a report on the difference between raisin bran and muffin bran."  
"I could tell that."  
"Then why did you ask me?"  
"What's it doing on my desk?"  
"You need to read it."  
"I do?"  
"Yes. Leo, the overwhelming statistics show that the raisin bran muffins  
are 10% more harmful to your cholesterol system than the regular bran  
muffins. This report--"  
"Margaret."  
"Yes, Leo?"  
"Do I care?"  
"No, Leo."  
"Dispose of that please."  
"Yes, Leo."

"Sam."  
"Mallory, hey!"  
"Sam, did you see Angelina Cartwell today?"  
"Now, Mallory, hang on a sec--"  
"Did you see her??"  
"Yes, but only bec--"  
"I specifically told you never to talk to *that* woman!"  
"Mal, I know. I heard you. Normally Josh talks to her, but he refused  
bec--"  
"What did she say? Huh? What did she say??"  
"Uh, well, Mal-"  
"What did she say, Sam??"  
"She said she had to leave but that we could talk over dinner."...  
"Mal?"  
"She hit on you????"  
"I didn't say that!"  
"I read between the lines, Sam. Did she hit on you?"  
"I really don't know."  
"Of course you know."  
"I don't, Mal."  
"I'm gonna kill that woman!"  
"Mal, come back!"

"Donna?"  
"What, Josh?"  
"You still jealous?"  
"I was never jealous, Josh. I was saving you."  
"Saving me?"  
"Yes, saving you."  
"From what, having fun?"  
"You wouldn't have had fun with her. She's not your type."  
"And you know my type, Donna?"  
"Yes, Josh, I know your type."  
"What's my type?"  
"Not her."  
"You sure?"  
"Positive?"  
"How can you be so sure?"  
"Because I'm sure."  
"But how--"  
"Josh."  
"What?"  
"Leave me alone."  
"No. You took me away from my conversationalist, so now I get to bother  
you."  
"Oh, God."  
"Maybe I can get the President to tell us some more nice trivia."  
"I like the trivia."  
"You do?"  
"Yes."  
"There's something kinda freakish about you, you know that?"  
"I'm eclectic, Josh."  
"You're eccentric, Donna."  
"Same difference."

TBC...

  


	4. Something Funny Happened On The Way To The White House 4

TITLE: Something Funny Happened On The Way To The White House  
RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them. Just borrowing. Aaron Sorkin is God.  
NOTES: See Part 1  
SUMMARY: Just a really strange day in the West Wing.

"Where'd it go?" Toby asked as he looked around the room.  
"Where'd what go?" Jed asked.  
"The little ratty kid. Where'd it go?" He asked.  
"She's not a ratty kid. She's a teenager with a mind of her own and she  
reminds me a lot of you, so I wouldn't be one to talk." The President  
retorted.  
"Mr. President, may I just take this time to say that I am deeply  
insulted by that?" Toby asked.  
"No." Jed replied.  
"Whatever you say, sir."  
"If you really think she's so bad, maybe you should look into changing  
your attitude."  
"I contend, sir, that she is nothing like me and that I am nothing like  
her."  
"I contest that contention."  
"Thanks a lot, sir."  
"You're very welcome, Toby."  
"Sir."  
"Yes, Toby."  
"What's Donna doing?"  
"Donna is pouring a cup of punch on Josh's head."  
"Okay, sir. Just making sure my eyes weren't deceiving me, sir."  
"The press is gone, right?"  
"No, sir. You can tell by the flashing cameras."  
"Can I fire Donna?"  
"We can always say she was trying to amuse the kids and the cameras, sir.  
It's been a pretty lightspirited afternoon, excepting the rat."  
"She's not a rat."  
"She looks like a rat, sir."  
"She does not."  
"She does. She's got squinty little eyes and a sort of twitch."  
"Toby."  
"Yes, sir?"  
"Go tell Donna that you're next."

"CJ!!!"  
"CJ."  
"CJ?"  
"CJ?!?"  
"Everyone calm down. Yes, Jack?" CJ called.  
"Why did Donna Moss just pour a 2.6 oz cup of punch on Josh Lyman's  
head?" Jack asked.  
"God, you know how many ounces it is? I don't know why, but my best guess  
is because he's Josh Lyman. Katy?" The press secretary moved quickly.  
"How long has Moss been working for Josh?"  
"Since the campaign." CJ started.  
"Has she ever poured anything else on him before?" A voice asked.  
"Guys, we're here to focus on the kids. Just relax. Donna has mistreated  
Josh in many, many ways just to make sure he stays normal. It's traditional  
treatment for Josh Lyman." CJ exclaimed tiredly. The reporters chuckled. "I'm  
sure Donna is just trying to entertain everybody at Josh's expense. In the  
meantime, let's not forget the real reason why we're here."

"Donna, why did you do that?" Josh asked as he grabbed another napkin to  
wipe off his face. "You are so fired."  
"You've fired me before, Josh." Donna reminded him.  
"I mean it this time." He growled.  
"You were asking for it, Josh."  
"I was not! At one point did I say 'Donna, please pour a cup of punch  
over my head?' Cause I swear, I don't remember saying that. At all."  
"You did."  
"When?"  
"When you called me a hussy."  
"I was kidding, and if you look in the dictionary, 'hussy' does not mean  
'solicitation for punch to be poured on one's head'."  
"You shouldn't have called me a hussy, Josh."  
"I'm sorry, Donna."  
"Thank you."  
"Shouldn't you apologize too?"  
"For what?"  
"For pouring a glass of punch over my head!"  
"You deserved it!"  
"You're fired."  
"I know."  
"You really are."  
"Sure, Josh. Okay."  
"You are!"  
"Fine. If you need me, I'll be in Maui." She replied confidantly and  
strode out of the room. Josh frowned and thought about it.  
"Donna!" He called as he followed in a huff.

"Ah, true love." Jed muttered.  
"You notice that too, sir?" Toby mused.  
"Yeah, I'm surprised you did." Jed said as he looked at Toby.  
"You just live to insult me today, sir, don't you?" Toby asked.  
"Yes, that is my mission in life."  
"Is it in your job description?"  
"No, just one of the perks."  
"That sounds vaguely familiar."  
"I'm sure I have no idea what you mean." Jed replied as he took a sip of  
his drink. Toby snorted and looked around the room. "Toby, I've been meaning  
to ask you. How *did* you manage to close a car win-"  
"If you finish that question, sir, neither you, nor the secret service,  
nor anyone else will be able to hold me responsible for my actions." Toby  
interrupted calmly. Jed raised an eyebrow and took another sip of his drink.  
"Look, there's your biggest fan." He pointed out. "There are only fifteen  
minutes left in this event. You might wanna make peace with her before she  
disappears. After all, how often does someone meet oneself in another person?"  
"She's nothing like me, sir."  
"She told me a lot of nice things about the Lockheeds."  
"Huh?"  
"The planes, Toby. I know you like planes. She likes planes. She also  
likes boats, but I've never heard you mention boats, so I didn't men--"  
"She likes planes?" Toby asked as he gazed at Dylan who was laughing with  
one of her friends.  
"She's partial to P-51 Mustangs, or so I hear." Jed replied as he watched  
Toby with an amused smirk.  
"Interesting." Toby murmured.  
"Very, I thought." Jed said with a grin.  
"Doesn't mean she's anything like me." Toby insisted.  
"Oh, of course not." Jed retorted sarcastically.

TBC...


	5. Something Funny Happened On The Way To The White House 5

TITLE: Something Funny Happened On The Way To The White House  
RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them. Just borrowing. Aaron Sorkin is God.  
NOTES: See Part 1  
SUMMARY: Just a really strange day in the West Wing.

"CJ?"  
"Yes, Danny?"  
"I have a question."  
"I got that impression."  
"Who's that girl?"  
"I honestly don't know. She's just one of the students."  
"Toby seems very fascinated in talking to her."  
"I really hadn't noticed."  
"I mean, they were arguing earlier, but now they seem to be having fun."  
"I really hadn't noticed."  
"You said that already."  
"Danny, I answered your question."  
"I have another one."  
"What's that?"  
"Will you go to dinner with me tonight?"  
"I have to go talk to the President now."

"You got to admit, the P-51's kick butt." Dylan challenged.  
"Yes, the Mustangs kick butt." Toby replied with a laugh.  
"I have a question." Dylan said suddenly.  
"Yes?"  
"Why is the Deputy Chief of Staff wearing glittery red leather pants?"  
"I'm not sure, but I think it had something to do with spilt coffee."  
Toby replied. Dylan paused and then looked at Toby, eyeing him up and down.  
Toby looked at her and frowned. "What the hell are you doing?"  
"Wondering what you'd looked like if you had an incident with spilt  
coffee." She admitted with a grin.  
"Don't do that again."  
"What?"  
"Think about that again."  
"You know, my foster mother is single."  
"Don't do *that* again, either."  
"It was just a thought."  
"Don't think like that."  
"You can't control the way I think."  
"I don't like the way you think."  
"You should." Dylan said with a grin. "Josh Lyman may have a fan club  
that screams his name, but you, sir, do not go unnoticed." She added before  
looking back at Josh.  
"Did I just hear what I thought I heard?" Toby asked as he looked at her.  
"Nope. You should get your ears fixed."

"Donna?"  
"Yes?"  
"My shirt is sticky."  
"Too bad."  
"You should wash it."  
"You should watch your mouth."  
"I would, but I can't get my eyes to the right angle."  
"Get a mirror."  
"Donna."  
"Are you being ornery?"  
"No. This is ornery."  
"OW!"

"Leo?" Sam asked as he stepped into his boss's office. Leo looked up and  
waved his young coworker in.  
"What's up?" Leo asked.  
"Mallory is on the rampage." Sam exclaimed. Leo scowled.  
"Didn't I tell you not to tell her that you saw Cartwell?" He snapped.  
"I know!" Sam replied. "I don't even remember telling her though. I think  
she guessed."  
"She put you in the doghouse?"  
"No, I think she's going to try to kill Cartwell. See, there was this  
little thing where Cartwell was kind of... flattering?"  
"Cartwell hit on you?"  
"Yeah."  
"Interesting."  
"What do you mean?"  
"We can use that."  
"Leo..."  
"I'm just saying..."  
"Leo!"  
"Sam, do you need anything else?"  
"What about Mal?"  
"Don't worry about it." Leo replied with a grin.  
"Leo, don't even think about it." Sam exclaimed.  
"Bye, Sam." Leo said with a bigger grin.  
"Leo!" Sam cried.  
"Bye, Sam!" Leo replied as he moved out of his own office for another  
meeting.

"Well, Dylan, it was nice meeting you." Jed Bartlet exclaimed as the  
other kids disappeared down the hallway towards the exit. Dylan glanced after  
her classmates and then nodded at the President.  
"It was an honor, sir. I mean the part after we each offended each  
other." She replied with a smirk. "And you, Mr. Ziegler."  
"It was certainly very interesting." Toby conceded.  
"If you see leather boy, tell him that it was very fascinating watching  
him flirt with Miralson, especially since she's taken." Dylan pointed out.  
"He'll be sorry to hear that." Toby said with a grin.  
"I didn't see a ring." Jed said with a frown.  
"Well, that's because it's not legal for Miralson to marry her  
significant other." Dylan remarked dryly. "Unlike politicians, we don't  
really care if someone is gay or straight at my school." Silence permeated  
the air between them. "Something else for you to mention to leather boy."  
"That conversation should be an interesting one." Jed said absentmindedly.  
"I'll say. And then grass or moss or whatever she was, she can rest easy  
knowing that he was flirting with a no-winner anyway." Dylan added. Toby  
chuckled. "So, Toby, you got the thing still?"  
"I got it." Toby assured her, holding up a piece of paper.  
"What's that?" Jed asked.  
"Email address." Dylan answered. "Toby's gonna try and get me on the  
Dallas." Jed grinned and looked at Toby, who seemed to have become incredibly  
fascinated with his shoes.  
"I'm glad to see that you two have learned to get along." Jed said with a  
chuckle.  
"Well, I better 'get along' or I'll miss the damn bus. I have no doubts  
that those people would leave me behind in a second." Dylan muttered with a  
smirk. Toby and Jed nodded and then watched as she hurried down the hallway.  
"Still say she's nothing like you?" Jed asked.  
"Yes, sir." Toby replied. "She's actually likable after a certain period  
of time."  
"Amen to that." Jed said with a grin, earning him a quick glare from his  
friend and colleague.

TBC... .

  


	6. Something Funny Happened On The Way To The White House 6

TITLE: Something Funny Happened On The Way To The White House  
RATING: PG  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own them. Just borrowing. Aaron Sorkin is God.  
NOTES: See Part 1  
SUMMARY: Just a really strange day in the West Wing.

"Josh!" Toby called as he stormed down the hallway. "Josh, you ran out on  
the thing!" He exclaimed. Josh looked away from his argument with Donna and  
looked at Toby who had stopped dead in his tracks. "What the hell are you  
wearing?"  
"She poured punch on my shirt." Josh exclaimed.  
"Josh, what the *hell* are you wearing??" Toby cried.  
"Calm down, Toby. It's just a t-shirt." Josh said weakly.  
"It's a t-shirt with a *Furby* on it!" Toby exclaimed.  
"You should see the back." Donna interjected. "It's for my cousin's  
little girl. I had it made specially; It's reversible."  
"God, do I even want to know?" Toby asked.  
"Just be glad I chose the Furby side." Josh muttered.  
"I happen to think that Pikachu is very cute." Donna pointed out. Toby  
rolled his eyes and put up his hands as a sort of defensive barrier.  
"I'm getting out of here... as fast... as... I can..." He said  
simply before hurrying away. Josh looked pointedly at his assistant.  
"Well, this day has just gone splendidly." He growled.  
"I didn't spill coffee in your lap, so don't look at me." Donna replied  
before walking away. Josh grumbled and went back into his office.

"Mallory, what happened to your hand?" Leo cried as his daughter walked  
into his office. Mallory waved her hands about and collapsed on his couch.  
"Did you *hit* Senator Cartwell?"  
"No, I didn't get that far. I got to my car and then for some reason the  
window wouldn't work right and it closed on my hand." Mallory grumbled. "I  
went to Dr. Pickering, and he wrapped it up. I was too tired by then to go  
beat the crap out of her, but I will tomorrow, I swear."  
"Mal." Leo said suddenly.  
"Yeah, dad?" She slurred.  
"Did he give you any meds?" He asked.  
"Well, he gave me this teeny, tiny little white thing to take if it hurt  
an' it hurt so I took and so I guess the answer would be yes, sir." Mal  
replied with a happy grin. Leo sighed.  
"I hope you took a cab." He murmured.  
"Yes, sir!" She declared.  
"Margaret!" Leo called. "I've got a staff meeting, so you have to wait  
here. Margaret, make sure she doesn't leave."  
"How am I supposed to do that?" Margaret asked.  
"I don't know. Call Rodney the marine or something." Leo replied and  
headed for the Oval office. As soon as he stepped through the door, he found  
the senior staff looking at him helplessly. He didn't know why until Jed  
Bartlet turned around and spoke.  
"Leo, Leo, Leo... Such a nice name, don't you think?" He cooed. "Now,  
Leo, I've been trying to talk to these guys about... Guys, what was I  
talking about?" The President asked as he faced the others again. Leo sighed  
and pressed his fingertips to his eyelids. Behind him the door opened and  
Mallory stumbled in.  
"Hey everyone!" She exclaimed happily. Jed faced her.  
"Hi Mallory!" Jed chorused.  
"Hey, Uncle Jed! How you feeling?" She asked as she groped her way to  
him. He hung an arm around her shoulder.  
"I'm doing mighty fine, mighty fine. How about you?" He asked drunkenly.  
"Just dandy!" Mal slurred. Everyone just looked at Leo for guidance. Leo  
looked at Josh in his red pants and Furby shirt; Toby with his bandaged  
fingers; a bewildered-looking Sam in his rumpled suit and CJ who was confused  
by every single aspect of the day.  
"So..." He said with a pause. "What's on the agenda for today?" He  
asked moving to sit on the couch.  
"Goooood question!" Jed exclaimed. "I think we should talk about my  
getting a dog." He added as he moved to sit next to Leo.  
"Ooooh, cool!" Mal exclaimed.  
And so the meeting began.

THE END...


End file.
